ALBERTA FUNERAL SERVICE ASSOCIATION
Grief takes many forms and does not follow a schedule. Whatever your journey looks like, we’re here with resources to help you understand it, work through it, and find your way forward.
No one is prepared for grief. The rush of feelings, the thoughts, anxieties, and heartache can take us by surprise. The following resources — drawn from the work of grief researchers Dr. James Worden, Dr. Stephen Joseph, and others — offer a starting point for making sense of what you’re going through.
After the unexpected death of his wife, Irish author C.S. Lewis wrote in A Grief Observed, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. The death of a beloved is an amputation.” The rush of feelings, thoughts, anxieties and heartache can take us by surprise and drive us to our knees. Dealing with grief is hard work. It takes both courage and effort to successfully adapt to the loss of a significant person in your life.
If you are grieving, please know: you are not alone, and you do not have to walk through this by yourself. Please contact us if you would like a referral to a local grief counsellor or therapist.
Sigmund Freud first brought up the concept of grief work in 1917. Dr. James Worden chose to see the work of bereavement as task-oriented rather than a series of stages:
These tasks do not occur in any logical order — each of us is different, and the path we walk in the bereavement journey is not a straight one.
Dr. Stephen Joseph identifies six signposts to facilitate post-traumatic growth. “Post-traumatic growth does not imply the absence of emotional distress and difficulties in living,” he writes. “It does imply that it is possible through the struggle to come out on the other side, stronger and more philosophical about life.”
Before identifying the six signposts, Dr. Joseph reminds his readers of three important things: you are not on your own; trauma is a normal and natural process; and growth is a journey. He also gives a fundamental rule: don’t do anything you might not be able to handle now.
Acceptance is the very first task in bereavement. Dr. James Worden writes that we must “come full face with the reality that the person is dead, that the person is gone and will not return.”
For many, though, the word acceptance feels wrong — most of us don’t want to agree to it. Try a different word: adjustment, or integration. Someone who has integrated the death of a loved one into their life has cleared the path to creating a new life; a proactive life where a loved one’s memory is held dear, perhaps as a motivating force for change.
It does take time. The American Cancer Society cautions that “acceptance does not happen overnight. It’s common for it to take a year or longer to resolve the emotional and life changes that come with the death of a loved one. The pain may become less intense, but it’s normal to feel emotionally involved with the deceased for many years after their death.”
Some grief is complicated by circumstance — a sudden loss, a loss others don’t recognize, or a period of grief that stretches long beyond what feels manageable. These kinds of grief deserve extra care.
Normal (or uncomplicated) grief has no timeline and encompasses a range of feelings and behaviours common after loss — bodily distress, guilt, hostility, preoccupation with the image of the deceased, and the inability to function as one had before the loss. All are normal and present us with profound, seemingly endless challenges. Katherine Walsh notes that “over the course of time, with average social support, most individuals will gradually experience a diminishment of these feelings, behaviours, and sensations.”
If an individual or family continues to experience distress intensely, for a prolonged period, or even unexpectedly years after a loss, they may benefit from treatment for complicated grief.
Grief educators tell us that a diagnosis of complicated grief should not be attempted until at least a year after the death. If any of the following persist for longer than six months, consider grief counselling or therapy:
Self-diagnosis is not the goal. If your grief symptoms are worsening a year after the death, seek a referral from your family physician for professional grief counselling or therapy.
Kenneth Doka defined disenfranchised grief as an experience when “survivors are not accorded a right to grieve.” It can happen when the relationship, the loss, or the griever isn’t recognized by others as grief-worthy. Examples include:
You may hear things like: “When things like this happen, all you can do is give it time,” or “The best thing is to try to put what happened behind you.” You may even hear yourself thinking: “Somehow it feels disloyal to laugh or try to be happy.” All grief is real. All grief deserves acknowledgement.
Dr. Lani Leary writes that it is not time that heals — healing comes with validation: “All grief needs to be blessed. In order to be blessed, it must be heard. Someone must be present, someone who is willing to hold it by listening without judgment or comparison.”
Four ways to reclaim your right to grieve and get support:
Being present for a grieving friend or family member can feel intimidating. You do not have to have the right words — showing up is often enough. Barbara Kingsolver wrote: “The friend who holds your hand and says the wrong thing is made of dearer stuff than the one who stays away.”
It’s about not walking away. People can be very supportive in the initial days after a death — helping with arrangements, notifying friends and family, handling day-to-day chores. Once the funeral is over, that support system can dissolve quickly as people return to normal routines. The phone stops ringing and the bereaved may find their days and nights long and lonely.
A true ally doesn’t stay away long — a better-than-good ally keeps checking in. The American Cancer Society says it best: “Be there. Even if you don’t know what to say, just having someone near can be very comforting.”
Simple presence matters more than perfect words. A few practical tips:
Author Sarah Dessen wrote: “This is the problem with dealing with someone who is actually a good listener. They don’t jump in on your sentences. Instead, they wait, so you have to keep going.” Cultivate patience and the willingness to wait.
Rachael Naomi Remen, M.D., wrote: “Grieving allows us to heal, to remember with love rather than pain. It is a sorting process. One by one you let go of things that are gone and you mourn for them. One by one you take hold of the things that have become a part of who you are and build again.”
When you choose to become an ally, it becomes your responsibility to support them in achieving Worden’s four tasks within their time frame — not yours. Concrete ways to help:
Cultivate patience — but also watch for signs of depression: continuing thoughts of worthlessness or hopelessness, being unable to perform day-to-day activities, intense guilt, extreme weight loss, or thoughts of death or suicide.
The American Cancer Society cautions: “If symptoms like these last more than two months after the loss, the bereaved person is likely to benefit from professional help. If the person tries to hurt him- or herself, or has a plan to do so, they need help right away.”
If your friend is using alcohol or drugs to manage their emotions, their eating habits are becoming destructive, or they are isolating from the wider world, it may be time to gently suggest they see a certified grief counsellor or therapist.
In today’s society, we tend to ignore death — we avoid discussing it, thinking about it, or planning for it. But when you live with intention, looking toward your own death and preparing for it, you crush its power to keep you from living fully.
“Death can be terrifying,” writes Dr. Todd Kashdan in his article “Confronting Death with an Open, Mindful Attitude.” “Recognizing that death is inescapable and unpredictable makes us incredibly vulnerable. This disrupts our instinct to remain a living, breathing organism.”
Our fear of dying has kept us alive as individuals and communities for centuries. It’s natural. Yet if we’re to live our lives fully, we need to release the fear altogether. A mindful approach to living may be what’s needed.
Mindfulness is “the state of active, open attention on the present. When you’re mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience.”
Awakening to the inevitability of your own death is liberating. You are no longer forced to manage the fear; you are able to include death into your life experience.
Death is a natural part of life. The following task list, done mindfully, will help you not only confront your own death but take control of it. You’ll never know how your life will actually end until the time of your death — but preparation helps you become comfortable with it.
“If you don’t work to really get in touch with the reality of your death, you will never be fully satisfied with your life. When endlessly trying to become victorious over death, you stop living fully.”
Sources:
Worden, James — Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy (4th Edition, 2009). Joseph, Stephen — What Doesn’t Kill Us: the New Psychology of Posttraumatic Growth. Doka, Kenneth — Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions, Challenges, and Strategies for Practice. Attig, Thomas, Ph.D — Disenfranchised Grief Revisited: Discounting Hope and Love. Vatner, Jonathan — Mourning Becomes Neglected: 4 Healthy Ways to Grieve. Leary, Lani, Ph.D — No One Has to Grieve Alone (2012). Walsh, Katherine — Grief and Loss: Theories and Skills for the Helping Professions (2012). Kashdan, Todd, Ph.D — Confronting Death with an Open, Mindful Attitude (Psychology Today, 2011). American Cancer Society — Coping with the Loss of a Loved One (2012). Fleming, Stephen — The Changing Face of Grief. Bailey, J.D. — How to Help a Friend Who is Grieving (Huffington Post, 2013).
